


What Needs to be Done

by mainichi_writes



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Angst, F/M, drug use- refrain, takes place between R1 and R2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2014-12-05
Packaged: 2018-02-28 05:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2720657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mainichi_writes/pseuds/mainichi_writes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Most days he can get through, carry on, follow orders. But Suzaku still misses her, misses Euphy, and some days it's just too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Needs to be Done

Suzaku’s fingers trembled as he lifted the glass phial out of the box he kept hidden deep in the dark corners of his closet. The rest of the Knights were out celebrating after the day’s victory. Finally, the Republic of Italy had fallen and Area 32 of the Empire had been established. He let out a shaky breath. He had been doing his duty, that was all. He followed Bismarck’s orders like a good little soldier because that was all he could do, the only justification he had for the unforgivable acts he had committed.

Loading the phial into the gun was the easy part. Suzaku took a deep, shuddering breath as he sat bent over on his bed, tapping the refrain injector against his forehead anxiously. The room was dark with only the far off hum of a fan breaking the silence. He had only ever gotten to this point once before, two months after that day, when he finally realized he had nothing, nothing but his hatred and the drive to right the wrongs the cruel world had forced upon him. His best friend was gone, memory wiped, a traitor. The love of his life, the one person who had accepted him, flaws and all, shot dead by the only other person he trusted. Now that he had joined up with the Britannians he didn’t have any family, not even anyone of his own ethnicity. He was surrounded by strangers, unwilling to let anyone in because he was poison and everyone he loved was doomed. That time he hadn’t had the nerve to put the gun to his arm and pull the trigger. This time, he wasn’t so sure.

He thought back to the day’s battle. It had been a typical mission: show up, overwhelm the enemy with his superior strength, win the fight. Everything had gone according to plan. But there was one moment where Suzaku had faltered, had nearly lost his resolve and broken down. He had been rounding the corner of a street, engaged with an enemy knightmare. He had his blaze luminous activated, reflecting the opposition’s bullets. An earlier report had declared the area clear of civilians, but Suzaku knew that it most likely wasn’t the case. After all, he had been there during Shinjuku. But he hadn’t expected the girl. She had been in the street, cowering in a doorway. Suzaku had gotten just a glimpse of waist-length, brightly colored hair and for a moment, whether it was due to a trick of the light or just his own imagination, he thought he saw light lavender eyes. He knew it was impossible, but the irrational thought passed through his mind that Euphy was back, that she was there right in front of him. A second later, a bullet ricocheted off of his shield and bored straight into her skull.

As she collapsed, dark red blood spilling over her clothes, Suzaku was thrown back in time. He saw Lelouch standing calmly in his Zero costume pointing a gun directly at Euphy. He saw the blood pouring out of the wound in her stomach, mingling with the blood of his people already staining her torn dress. He felt the panic, the rage, the absolute despair that had filled his being at that moment. Then, somehow, he was able to pull himself back and refocus on the present. However, he was shaking and filled with the desire to kill, to decimate, to end it once and for all. And in the end, they won.

Remembering this, Suzaku felt himself be pushed past the point of no return. He sat up and pressed the injector to his arm. He took a breath and pulled the trigger before he had a chance to turn back. There was a slight pressure, a momentary prick of pain as the tiny needles broke the skin and fed the amber liquid into his veins.

He sat there on his bed, waiting for the drug to take effect. How long had it been, one minute? Five? Sitting in the dark he began to lose track of time, wondering if the refrain wouldn’t work, if he was so damaged he couldn’t even get this tiny bit of relief. Eventually he thought he was going to fall asleep, consciousness slipping away from him.

He thought of Euphy, how bright and vibrant and alive she had been. Their first meeting, her weight falling solidly into his arms as she jumped from the window. How gentle she had been with Arthur, the hours she had spent dragging him around shopping. When he heard the authority in her voice as she proclaimed “I am princess Euphemia li Britannia” and thought that he was in over his head but maybe, just maybe she would still look upon him fondly. Then he was in the Lancelot, silently begging her to let him fight, to do his duty, to serve her. The day of his knighting ceremony, not noticing the eyes full of hatred and spite and instead focusing on the kindness and beauty in hers. Afterwards, when they were alone, truly alone for the first time and he simply took her hand.

Then there was the day Euphy had called him over, saying it was an emergency. Suzaku had rushed, panicked, to her side, thinking through the worst-case scenario and wondering what was wrong, what if he was too late, what if she was hurt, what if— He opened the door and there she was, sitting with five cartons of ice cream set out in front of her. “Oh thank goodness,” she said, her face lighting up when she saw him. “I just can’t decide what flavor to have. I’m thinking mint chocolate chip, but rocky road sounds good too.” Suzaku stared at her for a moment, incredulous. She glanced up at him and patted the ground beside her. “Well come on. I’m not going to eat this all by myself, you know.” Still unable to speak Suzaku sat close next to her and grabbed the pint of cookies ‘n cream.

“Mint chocolate chip is my vote,” he said, watching as she laughed and picked up her own ice cream. Of course she demanded a taste of his, and as she dipped her head to eat the offered spoonful a smudge ended up on the tip of her nose. Before she could do more than laugh, Suzaku leaned and gently kissed it away, looking into her eyes. He then gently pressed his mouth to hers, tasting the sweet chill on her lips. He pulled back quickly and blushed; it was the first time they had kissed. He was worried how Euphy would react, if she would push him away and never talk to him again or have him removed from the military or any other way he could be punished for kissing a princess. Then he felt a warm hand on his cheek pulling him towards her. She was smiling softly, radiating happiness and she whispered his name with such gentleness as she leaned in and stole their second kiss. This quickly led to the third, and fourth, and eventually Suzaku lost count of what number they were on. The ice cream melted, which was regrettable, but they were too busy enjoying something much sweeter.

The scene slipped away to be replaced by another. They were sitting on the floor again, this time in Suzaku’s room. “And then Nunna dropped the plate and Lelouch got all huffy, you know how he is.” Euphy let out a burst of laughter along with Suzaku’s low chuckle.

“I can only imagine,” he said, leaning in for a kiss. “Thank you,” he said, stroking her cheek with his thumb, “for telling me these stories.” For letting me in, he didn’t say. For accepting me.

“Of course, Suzaku. I want to share it with you, share it all. That’s what the Specially Administrated Zone is for,” She looked up at him, bringing her hand up to slide into his hair kissing him again briefly. Scooting closer, she settled her head against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her. “Because I love you,” she whispered, barely audible. He took in a breath at that, then stroked her hair as he pressed his nose into it.

“I love you, too,” he said, feeling his heart swell. “I love you, too.”

There was a fight, just a small skirmish with a rebel group not affiliated with the Black Knights. But Cornelia didn’t want to take any chances, not with the Special Zone nearing completion. She requested use of Suzaku, which Euphemia had no choice but to grant. Suzaku made it through the battle with relative ease, maintaining a channel with an anxious Euphy the entire time. One time, through sheer luck, a rebel managed to nearly get the best of him; the panicked shout of his name giving him a burst of energy allowing him to finish off the enemy. After the battle, she didn’t let go of him for an hour.

Then came that night, the memory of it burned into every fiber of Suzaku’s being. The night her eyes had been filled with need, her legs wrapped around his bare hips. When she had been beneath him, gasping and moaning and making him so hard he couldn’t stand it. He kissed her over and over, drowning in her, worshipping her body and wanting nothing more than to bring her the most pleasure he could, to do everything for her. She was his world, his goddess. And when they were finished, spent and sweaty but satisfied, he wondered how he could be so lucky. He, whose bloodstained hands dared to grasp her perfect, unsullied ones. She was so, so, so beautiful, and god knows he had done nothing to deserve it.

The day of the opening of the Specially Administrated Zone. Two hours to ceremony start, and they were ready. Today would mark the beginning of it all. Suzaku smiled down at Euphy, gently brushing his fingers against hers. The first step towards his goal of restoring Japan had been taken, and it was the love of his life who had gotten them to this point. He had no doubt that he could never love another as deeply as he loved her, but it didn’t matter because it seemed, for some unfathomable reason, she felt the same way. They could be together, with no one to say they couldn’t be, that it wasn’t allowed. Euphy turned to leave the room. “Come on,” she said. “The ceremony starts soon, and we have to go meet the representatives.”

He crossed the room and pulled her into a tight hug. “I love you,” he said. He couldn’t describe the emotion overflowing within him, but he felt she needed to understand.

“I know,” she said, looking up at him with the softest expression he had ever seen on her face. “I love you, too. Forever. No matter what. Know that, Suzaku, I will always love you.” She smiled, and reached up to brush the single tear off his cheek. Placing one hand on either side of his face she kissed him, slowly and sweetly. “Now, let’s go.” She took his hand, and together they headed out to the stage.

Suzaku slowly became aware of the coldness around him. He was back in the dark room, the injection gun laying on the bed next to his hand. His cheeks were wet. Unable to speak, unable to think, he slowly laid down and curled up into a ball, clutching a pillow as he rode out the final effects of the drug. He sobbed uncontrollably, broken beyond words. Eventually he lay there, utterly worn out, until he drifted into a deep sleep. In the morning the sun would rise, he would wake up and continue with his life, following orders, doing what needed to be done.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is the first fic I'm posting on here! I posted it on tumblr a while back, but figured I should put it on here too. What can I say, I love putting my favorite characters through extreme emotional anguish.


End file.
